2. heat and wetness and sweat, silky, velvety, steely, closer, hotter, harder, tighter
Pads tells me that was your doing, and woman, you should know that that is a HOT SENTENCE. The assonances are sexy. So sexy, in fact, that I entirely lost track of the human choreography and switched to perving on the language.
3. SPEAKING OF CHOREOGRAPHY, you sorta didn't get it right. The thing about how Edmund would need to walk later? You gave no indication that they'd proceeded beyond frotting and/or intercrural. In fact, the description quite definitely suggested one or both of those, and these things do not affect one's ability to walk.
4. Caspian is grateful for this feature of the design of his ship, because it means that he doesn't have to yank Edmund all the way down to their space in the hold before tugging the dark-haired youth into his arms.
Now, let's try this:
Caspian is grateful for this feature of the design of his ship, because it means that he doesn't have to yank Edmund all the way down to their space in the hold before tugging him into his arms.
Is that confusing? No, it is not. It's quite clear who is the subject and who is the object - PARTICULARLY since the subject of 'tugging' isn't stated, but pulled from the subject of 'yank', and Edmund was the object of 'yank'. There is no way you'd have Edmund the subject of a 'before... -ing' construction if Caspian was the subject of the previous verb.
Secondly, identifying people by their hair is so cliche. If you must resolve the Pronoun Problem this way, it will set you apart if you select descriptors which *say something* about the characters and the action at hand.
You've done a fair bit of identifying Ed by his hair; you also identified him as 'the English boy' once, which was interesting because it nudges the reader toward analysing Edmund as, well, Edmund rather than King Edmund. There was a fair bit of 'the other boy' as well, which is one of my pet peeves, but I found it interesting - particularly in After The Storm, as the use of 'the other boy' came soon after Caspian decided he could *not* be a boy, but must be a man. You reversed his manly status as soon as it got to the making out, which was INTERESTING, but I think if you were going down that route you could've exploited it by contrasting it with 'other man' designations somewhere. There was an 'other king' in there as well. Basically, you've got the makings of a serious character development arc on the basis of the *things they both are* (saying 'English boy' immediately distances Edmund from Caspian, obviously), but I think you may have just been whacking them in as solutions to the Pronoun Problem.
no subject
2. heat and wetness and sweat, silky, velvety, steely, closer, hotter, harder, tighter
Pads tells me that was your doing, and woman, you should know that that is a HOT SENTENCE. The assonances are sexy. So sexy, in fact, that I entirely lost track of the human choreography and switched to perving on the language.
3. SPEAKING OF CHOREOGRAPHY, you sorta didn't get it right. The thing about how Edmund would need to walk later? You gave no indication that they'd proceeded beyond frotting and/or intercrural. In fact, the description quite definitely suggested one or both of those, and these things do not affect one's ability to walk.
4. Caspian is grateful for this feature of the design of his ship, because it means that he doesn't have to yank Edmund all the way down to their space in the hold before tugging the dark-haired youth into his arms.
Now, let's try this:
Is that confusing? No, it is not. It's quite clear who is the subject and who is the object - PARTICULARLY since the subject of 'tugging' isn't stated, but pulled from the subject of 'yank', and Edmund was the object of 'yank'. There is no way you'd have Edmund the subject of a 'before... -ing' construction if Caspian was the subject of the previous verb.
Secondly, identifying people by their hair is so cliche. If you must resolve the Pronoun Problem this way, it will set you apart if you select descriptors which *say something* about the characters and the action at hand.
You've done a fair bit of identifying Ed by his hair; you also identified him as 'the English boy' once, which was interesting because it nudges the reader toward analysing Edmund as, well, Edmund rather than King Edmund. There was a fair bit of 'the other boy' as well, which is one of my pet peeves, but I found it interesting - particularly in After The Storm, as the use of 'the other boy' came soon after Caspian decided he could *not* be a boy, but must be a man. You reversed his manly status as soon as it got to the making out, which was INTERESTING, but I think if you were going down that route you could've exploited it by contrasting it with 'other man' designations somewhere. There was an 'other king' in there as well. Basically, you've got the makings of a serious character development arc on the basis of the *things they both are* (saying 'English boy' immediately distances Edmund from Caspian, obviously), but I think you may have just been whacking them in as solutions to the Pronoun Problem.