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[gmtaslash]

Title: Cutlery and Utensils: A Brief Taxonomic Study of the Evolution of Eusociality in the Kitchen
Author: Trojanhorse Heales-Shadowfax, BSc (Hons)



The oldest known members of the Order Utensillida (Kingdom; Objecta, Phylum; Kitchenae, Class: Preparata) are those of the Family Incisidiformes; the Knives. Today the only common extant genus of incisids is the nominate genus Incisa, which are brood parasites.
From basal incisids arose the two groups of higher utensils; the nominate family Utensillidiformes, which includes the rarer and more solitary forms such as Whisks (Miscidae), the Slicers (Egg-Slicers, Ouefcoutidae, and Cheese-Slicers, Fromagecoutidae), and the predatory Meat-Tenderisers (Carneidae) and Garlic-Presses (Alliumsativumidae); and the large family Plataeiformes, or Spoons. The plataeids have two basic modes of life; monogamy (practised by the Spatulidae) and eusociality (as seen in the Plataeidae). The tendency for the more advanced plataeids to be smaller than their less specialised cousins is well documented.

Incisa cuculia, the Steak Knife Cuckoo

Incisa cuculia is the most common of the incisids. Adults form colonies living in wooden blocks, and may be highly diverse in form. In general, females are slender, gracile forms known as boning or filleting knives. Males are heavier, and dominant males may become cleavers in later life. Juvenile forms are steak knives and seek shelter in the cutlery drawer amongst colonies of Plateus eusocialus, the spoon-bee, where they masquerade as soldiers until maturity.

Misca misca, the Common Whisk

This utensil is a parasitoid, ultimately responsible for the demise of any utensil drawer or jar. It draws nourishment from entangling other utensils and may end up snarling so many hapless victims in its maw that it can no longer function itself.

Meat tenderisers, garlic presses, cheese and egg slices, (genera Carna, Alliumsativum, Ouefcouta and Fromagecouta)

Most utensil drawers will have only one or two of these hermit utensils; they do not cohabit easily and there is usually fierce competition between them until their numbers are reduced to a sustainable level in any one kitchen.

Spatula pisca, the Faithful Spatula

Technically, the spatula is the female of the species, where the fish-slice is the male form. This level of sexual dimorphism is responsible for their being placed often in separate species by early taxonomists. Interestingly, this genus practices live birth of young; young spatulas resemble the female closely but will be smaller and more rubbery, thus making them both easier to give birth to, presumably, and more useful to the cook.

Plateus eusocialus, the Spoon-Bee

These are an indispensible kitchen organism, eusocial with the ladle as queen, knives as soldiers, spoons of various types as workers, forks as drones and teaspoons being the larval stage. The spork is a sad hermaphrodite mutation, the increase of which is probably due to increased use of pesticides in food. Often, cooks will find measuring spoons (Plateus sucraetcetera) in spoon-bee colonies; this is an example of symbiosis; by using the measuring spoon the cook is giving it more food, and the use of it for the task of measuring means more time in the hive (cutlery drawer) for the teaspoon larvae. If there is more than one ladle in the drawer, they will fight to the death and often wreck the drawer at the same time. This fight to the death may take years; it works by one ladle being pushed towards the front of the drawer, inducing the cook to use it more often and thus wear it out faster.

More research is being conducted as this article goes to press.

Comments

[holyschist.livejournal.com]

Of course, vertebrate work is an unreachable dream. Sigh.

I don't see why--there are lots of opportunities to work on verts! I confess I've been a bit put off verts (largely for reasons of People), but I've done some vert ecology stuff (which I really should get back to working on, when I'm not working on my thesis).

Anyway, I thought I was going to work on mammals for a long time--c. age 14 to age 22--but I realized in my first year of grad school that (a) I'm more into methods than taxa and (b) I'm pretty offput by the jerks in vert paleo but less offput by the jerks in paleobotany, and not because the botany jerks are less jerky (they're not), so I must prefer plants to mammals. Ideally, I'd like to keep working on both, since they tell us different things about ecology and all...I just need to make lots of ecology-friendly taxonomist friends to co-author papers with me!

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

There's no vertebrate work here except that which is claimed by established workers; some Reptilia (and very tiny amount of Dinosauria, by tiny I mean probably no more than ten or eleven bones in total), some Aves but that's mostly subfossil, and some cetaceans and fish. To get into vertebrate palaeontology you basically have to wait for someone else to die :) We have no mammals; there are only two native mammals and they're bats that self introduced not long ago. Oh and the 'waddling mouse' which is miocene but there's only one known specimen of it. I want to work on Mollusca (which are the basis of NZ biostratigraphy) but have a funny feeling I'll end up in micropal working on either radiolaria or forams. Hey, you'll appreciate this; during my honours work I found a radiolarian that has only ever been seen before in Siberia. I was so proud.

[holyschist.livejournal.com]

Hmm, you couldn't have international research interests? That seems to be pretty common (not just in the U.S.). Or would there be academic-politic issues there?

Bat evolution, man. If I hated myself, I would totally study it, because it's so fascinating and puzzling. But it's puzzling because bats are flimsy and don't fossilize very often. :(

Hey, you'll appreciate this; during my honours work I found a radiolarian that has only ever been seen before in Siberia. I was so proud.

That is exciting!

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

I'm really not sure, but I wouldn't want to have to go overseas; I'm a very nervous traveller. I would love to have a look at bat evolution but I rather suspect it would involve shitloads of staring at bats going 'argh why aren't there any fossils of you?' Birds, too. How cool would it be to be the person who finally worked out if they were trees-down or ground-up? Like, definitively (here's the part where you tell me that someone's already done it but news hasn't reached NZ :P). Yes, my precious Amphicraspedum ignorabilis. It's sort of shaped like a cross with little pointy spikes on the end of each arm. Pretty! All radiolaria look like Christmas ornaments, I swear. Except no-one has a Christmas tree 500 microns high to put them on.

[holyschist.livejournal.com]

I would love to have a look at bat evolution but I rather suspect it would involve shitloads of staring at bats going 'argh why aren't there any fossils of you?

Yeah, pretty much. There are some fossils, but not nearly enough to tell WTF is going on with their evolution. The molecular genetics people have found some weird things, but I am kind of "hmmm" about molecular genetics (probably because I don't understand it and it's intimidating).

Radiolarians are so pretty! I was really excited when I saw my first live radiolarians. There was a while when I wanted to study diatoms or rads, but I have trouble using microscopes because of my eyes so I've kind of moved away from that (except I'll be doing some pollen work, haha, so clearly I haven't escaped the microscope).

Except no-one has a Christmas tree 500 microns high to put them on.

BUT THEY SHOULD. XD

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

I'm sure that spumellarian rads will make good biostratigraphic indicators, but we'll never know until someone does their taxonomy properly (meaning no disrespect to Ernst Haeckel, of course) and I *might* do the taxonomy of the spongurids for my doctorate.

I too mistrust molecular genetics; I did papers in it for several years but never a) understood it fully or b) got on with the professors because the biologists and geologists in NZ are currently having a tiff over whether or not NZ was completely submerged in the Oligocene, and so I got shit for being a geology major. Sigh.

I want a Christmas tree 500 microns high now . . .

[holyschist.livejournal.com]

I don't know enough about molecular genetics to say I don't buy it, but it does conflict pretty wildly with the fossil record in places, so...I don't know. Hmm.

I want a Christmas tree 500 microns high now . . .

Advantages:

1) No problem finding space for it!
2) Pets cannot knock it over and/or eat it (well, they could eat it by mistake. But not if you put a lid on the container.

I bet it could be done. Grow a tiny silica "tree" and, um, somehow attract radiolarians to nestle in its "branches"...I bet some nanoscientist could do it!

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

Hmmm . . .some microscopic sponge spicules are all dendritic . . . it would be a sort of skeletal tree, but it could be done. Have you ever seen those slides that people used to make, arranging microfossils in pretty patterns? I've seen diatoms made into a Christmas tree done that way, now that I think about it.

I spent four hours today eyeballing barren samples for Chris. There's nothing more disheartening than a barren sample, am I right? But on the bright side, I got to use a flipping fantastic microscope; much nicer than my usual one. Working for the section head has perks :)