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[gmtaslash]

Title: Cutlery and Utensils: A Brief Taxonomic Study of the Evolution of Eusociality in the Kitchen
Author: Trojanhorse Heales-Shadowfax, BSc (Hons)



The oldest known members of the Order Utensillida (Kingdom; Objecta, Phylum; Kitchenae, Class: Preparata) are those of the Family Incisidiformes; the Knives. Today the only common extant genus of incisids is the nominate genus Incisa, which are brood parasites.
From basal incisids arose the two groups of higher utensils; the nominate family Utensillidiformes, which includes the rarer and more solitary forms such as Whisks (Miscidae), the Slicers (Egg-Slicers, Ouefcoutidae, and Cheese-Slicers, Fromagecoutidae), and the predatory Meat-Tenderisers (Carneidae) and Garlic-Presses (Alliumsativumidae); and the large family Plataeiformes, or Spoons. The plataeids have two basic modes of life; monogamy (practised by the Spatulidae) and eusociality (as seen in the Plataeidae). The tendency for the more advanced plataeids to be smaller than their less specialised cousins is well documented.

Incisa cuculia, the Steak Knife Cuckoo

Incisa cuculia is the most common of the incisids. Adults form colonies living in wooden blocks, and may be highly diverse in form. In general, females are slender, gracile forms known as boning or filleting knives. Males are heavier, and dominant males may become cleavers in later life. Juvenile forms are steak knives and seek shelter in the cutlery drawer amongst colonies of Plateus eusocialus, the spoon-bee, where they masquerade as soldiers until maturity.

Misca misca, the Common Whisk

This utensil is a parasitoid, ultimately responsible for the demise of any utensil drawer or jar. It draws nourishment from entangling other utensils and may end up snarling so many hapless victims in its maw that it can no longer function itself.

Meat tenderisers, garlic presses, cheese and egg slices, (genera Carna, Alliumsativum, Ouefcouta and Fromagecouta)

Most utensil drawers will have only one or two of these hermit utensils; they do not cohabit easily and there is usually fierce competition between them until their numbers are reduced to a sustainable level in any one kitchen.

Spatula pisca, the Faithful Spatula

Technically, the spatula is the female of the species, where the fish-slice is the male form. This level of sexual dimorphism is responsible for their being placed often in separate species by early taxonomists. Interestingly, this genus practices live birth of young; young spatulas resemble the female closely but will be smaller and more rubbery, thus making them both easier to give birth to, presumably, and more useful to the cook.

Plateus eusocialus, the Spoon-Bee

These are an indispensible kitchen organism, eusocial with the ladle as queen, knives as soldiers, spoons of various types as workers, forks as drones and teaspoons being the larval stage. The spork is a sad hermaphrodite mutation, the increase of which is probably due to increased use of pesticides in food. Often, cooks will find measuring spoons (Plateus sucraetcetera) in spoon-bee colonies; this is an example of symbiosis; by using the measuring spoon the cook is giving it more food, and the use of it for the task of measuring means more time in the hive (cutlery drawer) for the teaspoon larvae. If there is more than one ladle in the drawer, they will fight to the death and often wreck the drawer at the same time. This fight to the death may take years; it works by one ladle being pushed towards the front of the drawer, inducing the cook to use it more often and thus wear it out faster.

More research is being conducted as this article goes to press.

Comments

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

Zookeeper would indeed be a fantastic job. My job is actually wonderful, but then I am a taxonomy geek. I spend most of my day hunched over a bench sorting molluscs into species groups. Much more fun than it sounds, if you like squinting at micromollucs and pondering whether a slight difference in shell sculpture means that one shell is a different species to the next one. Also back pain, but meh! Science before comfort! I hope you can get back to university soon; I couldn't leave! I'll have to in three years time unless they hire me as a professor, which is unlikely. Sigh. But then I'll be Dr. Trojie, mwahahahahaha

[hoppytoad79.livejournal.com]

If you enjoy your job, fabulous. I'd go spare doing what you do (detail work does that), but to each their own pleasures. The world would be very boring if we were all the same and we need taxonomy geeks such as yourself just as much as we need zookeepers. My dream job is to be working in amphibian conservation.

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

that would be truly cool. we have some very neat frogs in NZ; leiopelmids. they are one of the oldest groups of frogs in the world, and they're very rare.

[hoppytoad79.livejournal.com]

Cooooooooool! *VBG*

I visited the north island in '94 with People to People International, an organzation in the States that exists to expose American teens to the rest of the world, and loved it. Having since become a HUGE fan of Lord of the Rings, my desire to return and see the whole of NZ is even stronger.

I forget where we were, but we visited an old gold mine when we were in NZ and there were these cave crickets with HUGE long legs that freaked everyone right out. The guide said they weren't dangerous so, to the amazement of everyone else, I went up to one and looked and wasn't afraid to touch one of its legs. I took a few pics and when I showed them to people back home, they were all like "OMG! Huge bug! Dangerous, no?" *rolls eyes* Wussies. *G*

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

they would have been cave weta. no, they are really completely harmless. Generally the bigger a weta gets, the lesser the probability that it can bite you, until you get to giant weta that will fill the palm of your hand and move at the speed of continental drift and never bite anyone. But some of the smaller ones like tree weta can bite, and believe me it does hurt! Dunno which mine it would have been; the country's full of abandoned mines which are in turn full of cave weta. When you do come back to NZ give me a bell. I'm busy trying to organise some kind of NZ PPC gathering but I think there's only me and one other Agent in Wellington so it's . . .interesting. I live with a guy who was an extra in LOTR: ROTK and his mother's horse was the horse that Legolas rode into the paths of the dead; his name is Grey Raider and he is a total sweetie; we go out and ride him sometimes.

[hoppytoad79.livejournal.com]

I so want to meet the guy you live with and have my picture taken on his mother's horse. That would make so many people I know deep green with jealousy. *G* Not that I want to inspire people to commit a mortal sin.

Man, I want my picture taken with a giant weta! I'm Really, Really Broke right now so I have no idea when I might be able to get back to NZ.

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

Rowan would be completely puzzled about people wanting to have their picture taken with him. he's got maybe thirty seconds total screen time. Raider would of course acknowledge that the world worships him. he and i have an understanding whereby I don't squeal and he doesn't go too fast; he's 16.2 and a little too big for me.

[hoppytoad79.livejournal.com]

Where does he show up and in what movie?

I feel bad for Mark Ferguson, who played Gil-Galad in FotR prologue. He did all sorts of stuff, including flying through the air on a harness when Sauron 'threw' him back with a hit from his mace, and all we see is a veryquick shot of him thrusting his spear into an orc (the look of orgasmic pleasure on his face when he does is rather disturbing and raises many questions in my mind ;D)

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

He was a Dead Man of Dunharrow (but you don't see him) a Rohirrim, an Orc and a Ranger, all in ROTK. You see him at a campfire as Aragorn etc pass, for about thirty seconds. His cousin (one of my ex-flatmates) was a Dead Man, a Ranger, and was an Elf at the premiere.

[hoppytoad79.livejournal.com]

Cooooooooool!

You done been friended.

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

wheee, friend! *glomp*