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Jan. 8th, 2008 09:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gmtaslashTitle: Cutlery and Utensils: A Brief Taxonomic Study of the Evolution of Eusociality in the Kitchen
Author: Trojanhorse Heales-Shadowfax, BSc (Hons)
The oldest known members of the Order Utensillida (Kingdom; Objecta, Phylum; Kitchenae, Class: Preparata) are those of the Family Incisidiformes; the Knives. Today the only common extant genus of incisids is the nominate genus Incisa, which are brood parasites.
From basal incisids arose the two groups of higher utensils; the nominate family Utensillidiformes, which includes the rarer and more solitary forms such as Whisks (Miscidae), the Slicers (Egg-Slicers, Ouefcoutidae, and Cheese-Slicers, Fromagecoutidae), and the predatory Meat-Tenderisers (Carneidae) and Garlic-Presses (Alliumsativumidae); and the large family Plataeiformes, or Spoons. The plataeids have two basic modes of life; monogamy (practised by the Spatulidae) and eusociality (as seen in the Plataeidae). The tendency for the more advanced plataeids to be smaller than their less specialised cousins is well documented.
Incisa cuculia, the Steak Knife Cuckoo
Incisa cuculia is the most common of the incisids. Adults form colonies living in wooden blocks, and may be highly diverse in form. In general, females are slender, gracile forms known as boning or filleting knives. Males are heavier, and dominant males may become cleavers in later life. Juvenile forms are steak knives and seek shelter in the cutlery drawer amongst colonies of Plateus eusocialus, the spoon-bee, where they masquerade as soldiers until maturity.
Misca misca, the Common Whisk
This utensil is a parasitoid, ultimately responsible for the demise of any utensil drawer or jar. It draws nourishment from entangling other utensils and may end up snarling so many hapless victims in its maw that it can no longer function itself.
Meat tenderisers, garlic presses, cheese and egg slices, (genera Carna, Alliumsativum, Ouefcouta and Fromagecouta)
Most utensil drawers will have only one or two of these hermit utensils; they do not cohabit easily and there is usually fierce competition between them until their numbers are reduced to a sustainable level in any one kitchen.
Spatula pisca, the Faithful Spatula
Technically, the spatula is the female of the species, where the fish-slice is the male form. This level of sexual dimorphism is responsible for their being placed often in separate species by early taxonomists. Interestingly, this genus practices live birth of young; young spatulas resemble the female closely but will be smaller and more rubbery, thus making them both easier to give birth to, presumably, and more useful to the cook.
Plateus eusocialus, the Spoon-Bee
These are an indispensible kitchen organism, eusocial with the ladle as queen, knives as soldiers, spoons of various types as workers, forks as drones and teaspoons being the larval stage. The spork is a sad hermaphrodite mutation, the increase of which is probably due to increased use of pesticides in food. Often, cooks will find measuring spoons (Plateus sucraetcetera) in spoon-bee colonies; this is an example of symbiosis; by using the measuring spoon the cook is giving it more food, and the use of it for the task of measuring means more time in the hive (cutlery drawer) for the teaspoon larvae. If there is more than one ladle in the drawer, they will fight to the death and often wreck the drawer at the same time. This fight to the death may take years; it works by one ladle being pushed towards the front of the drawer, inducing the cook to use it more often and thus wear it out faster.
More research is being conducted as this article goes to press.
Author: Trojanhorse Heales-Shadowfax, BSc (Hons)
The oldest known members of the Order Utensillida (Kingdom; Objecta, Phylum; Kitchenae, Class: Preparata) are those of the Family Incisidiformes; the Knives. Today the only common extant genus of incisids is the nominate genus Incisa, which are brood parasites.
From basal incisids arose the two groups of higher utensils; the nominate family Utensillidiformes, which includes the rarer and more solitary forms such as Whisks (Miscidae), the Slicers (Egg-Slicers, Ouefcoutidae, and Cheese-Slicers, Fromagecoutidae), and the predatory Meat-Tenderisers (Carneidae) and Garlic-Presses (Alliumsativumidae); and the large family Plataeiformes, or Spoons. The plataeids have two basic modes of life; monogamy (practised by the Spatulidae) and eusociality (as seen in the Plataeidae). The tendency for the more advanced plataeids to be smaller than their less specialised cousins is well documented.
Incisa cuculia, the Steak Knife Cuckoo
Incisa cuculia is the most common of the incisids. Adults form colonies living in wooden blocks, and may be highly diverse in form. In general, females are slender, gracile forms known as boning or filleting knives. Males are heavier, and dominant males may become cleavers in later life. Juvenile forms are steak knives and seek shelter in the cutlery drawer amongst colonies of Plateus eusocialus, the spoon-bee, where they masquerade as soldiers until maturity.
Misca misca, the Common Whisk
This utensil is a parasitoid, ultimately responsible for the demise of any utensil drawer or jar. It draws nourishment from entangling other utensils and may end up snarling so many hapless victims in its maw that it can no longer function itself.
Meat tenderisers, garlic presses, cheese and egg slices, (genera Carna, Alliumsativum, Ouefcouta and Fromagecouta)
Most utensil drawers will have only one or two of these hermit utensils; they do not cohabit easily and there is usually fierce competition between them until their numbers are reduced to a sustainable level in any one kitchen.
Spatula pisca, the Faithful Spatula
Technically, the spatula is the female of the species, where the fish-slice is the male form. This level of sexual dimorphism is responsible for their being placed often in separate species by early taxonomists. Interestingly, this genus practices live birth of young; young spatulas resemble the female closely but will be smaller and more rubbery, thus making them both easier to give birth to, presumably, and more useful to the cook.
Plateus eusocialus, the Spoon-Bee
These are an indispensible kitchen organism, eusocial with the ladle as queen, knives as soldiers, spoons of various types as workers, forks as drones and teaspoons being the larval stage. The spork is a sad hermaphrodite mutation, the increase of which is probably due to increased use of pesticides in food. Often, cooks will find measuring spoons (Plateus sucraetcetera) in spoon-bee colonies; this is an example of symbiosis; by using the measuring spoon the cook is giving it more food, and the use of it for the task of measuring means more time in the hive (cutlery drawer) for the teaspoon larvae. If there is more than one ladle in the drawer, they will fight to the death and often wreck the drawer at the same time. This fight to the death may take years; it works by one ladle being pushed towards the front of the drawer, inducing the cook to use it more often and thus wear it out faster.
More research is being conducted as this article goes to press.
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Date: 2008-01-08 10:56 pm (UTC)BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
This - this is brilliant beyond words.
*continues to snerk about it for hours afterwards*
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Date: 2008-01-09 07:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-09 10:19 pm (UTC)*is still snickering*
It occurred to me at work today that this classification system will work for many taxonomic topics. Say, for instance, office supplies? Yes, yes indeed. ;D
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Date: 2008-01-09 10:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-09 11:01 pm (UTC)There is some hidden vortex that sucks in all unsuspecting socks so that only one of any given pair will remain. In most cases, this vortex tends to be located somewhere near the back of the clothes dryer; however, the vortex has been known to take up residence in sock drawers, laundry baskets, and the dark spaces beneath beds and chest-of-drawers. Socks have been known to enter this vortex and turn up an unknown number of miles away in some other person's dryer or clothes hamper. Exactly where these socks come from remains a mystery. No one has yet attempted to track the path of the vortex from one end to another. In fact, it may be far too dangerous to even attempt such an expedition.
The sock vortex might remain one of nature's great mysteries.
In other notes, I've always thought of batteries as the larval stages of keys. Batteries disappear and keys that fit no lock appear... ;P
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Date: 2008-01-09 11:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-10 03:07 pm (UTC)Buttons. Odd buttons lying in strange corners of drawers, along with mangled rubber bands and the odd paperclip or safety pin. It's a like a whole little secret society.
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Date: 2008-01-10 08:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-10 08:57 pm (UTC)(And, yes, it IS held together with rubber-bands and string. All genuine Nobels are, don't you know. ¬¬)
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Date: 2008-01-10 09:25 pm (UTC)