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[gmtaslash]

Title: Cutlery and Utensils: A Brief Taxonomic Study of the Evolution of Eusociality in the Kitchen
Author: Trojanhorse Heales-Shadowfax, BSc (Hons)



The oldest known members of the Order Utensillida (Kingdom; Objecta, Phylum; Kitchenae, Class: Preparata) are those of the Family Incisidiformes; the Knives. Today the only common extant genus of incisids is the nominate genus Incisa, which are brood parasites.
From basal incisids arose the two groups of higher utensils; the nominate family Utensillidiformes, which includes the rarer and more solitary forms such as Whisks (Miscidae), the Slicers (Egg-Slicers, Ouefcoutidae, and Cheese-Slicers, Fromagecoutidae), and the predatory Meat-Tenderisers (Carneidae) and Garlic-Presses (Alliumsativumidae); and the large family Plataeiformes, or Spoons. The plataeids have two basic modes of life; monogamy (practised by the Spatulidae) and eusociality (as seen in the Plataeidae). The tendency for the more advanced plataeids to be smaller than their less specialised cousins is well documented.

Incisa cuculia, the Steak Knife Cuckoo

Incisa cuculia is the most common of the incisids. Adults form colonies living in wooden blocks, and may be highly diverse in form. In general, females are slender, gracile forms known as boning or filleting knives. Males are heavier, and dominant males may become cleavers in later life. Juvenile forms are steak knives and seek shelter in the cutlery drawer amongst colonies of Plateus eusocialus, the spoon-bee, where they masquerade as soldiers until maturity.

Misca misca, the Common Whisk

This utensil is a parasitoid, ultimately responsible for the demise of any utensil drawer or jar. It draws nourishment from entangling other utensils and may end up snarling so many hapless victims in its maw that it can no longer function itself.

Meat tenderisers, garlic presses, cheese and egg slices, (genera Carna, Alliumsativum, Ouefcouta and Fromagecouta)

Most utensil drawers will have only one or two of these hermit utensils; they do not cohabit easily and there is usually fierce competition between them until their numbers are reduced to a sustainable level in any one kitchen.

Spatula pisca, the Faithful Spatula

Technically, the spatula is the female of the species, where the fish-slice is the male form. This level of sexual dimorphism is responsible for their being placed often in separate species by early taxonomists. Interestingly, this genus practices live birth of young; young spatulas resemble the female closely but will be smaller and more rubbery, thus making them both easier to give birth to, presumably, and more useful to the cook.

Plateus eusocialus, the Spoon-Bee

These are an indispensible kitchen organism, eusocial with the ladle as queen, knives as soldiers, spoons of various types as workers, forks as drones and teaspoons being the larval stage. The spork is a sad hermaphrodite mutation, the increase of which is probably due to increased use of pesticides in food. Often, cooks will find measuring spoons (Plateus sucraetcetera) in spoon-bee colonies; this is an example of symbiosis; by using the measuring spoon the cook is giving it more food, and the use of it for the task of measuring means more time in the hive (cutlery drawer) for the teaspoon larvae. If there is more than one ladle in the drawer, they will fight to the death and often wreck the drawer at the same time. This fight to the death may take years; it works by one ladle being pushed towards the front of the drawer, inducing the cook to use it more often and thus wear it out faster.

More research is being conducted as this article goes to press.

Comments

[hoppytoad79.livejournal.com]

This is FABULOUS! You are, obviously, a biology or zoology geek who has WAY too much time on their hands and doesn't get out nearly enough. ;D

In fourth grade, I hypothesized that socks that go missing from the drier have turned into the wire hangers that collect at the backs of closets. I went looking for the essay a while back and, alas, couldn't find it. I'm thinking of writing on that subject again.

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

in fact, I can claim the BSc (Hons) I titled myself with; my two majors were biology and geology (although I'm more of a geologist), but yes, I do have too much time on my hands, and yes, I probably don't get out often enough, but I blame Boz for implanting the idea in my mind. And my job for making me spend each and every day worrying about the taxonomy of molluscs.

[boz4pm.livejournal.com]

You is geologist nerd?! I mean.. a REAL one as opposed to a pretend wannabe like what I is?! *is in AWE* *squees just a little* XD

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

I is geologist. Well, palaeontologist. I does data entry work and collection curation for job. I is going to start PhD this year, I hope. You are a geology nerd? Someone I can talk about rocks to without them going *yawn* or *headdesk*?

*SQUEE*

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

Ooh, me too! Geology FTW! (I'm about to start my second year of it at uni.)

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

geology is my deep and abiding love. Do you have any idea what you're specialising in yet?

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

...the bit with pretty rocks? And money?

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

the money's always good :)

[boz4pm.livejournal.com]

*le gasp* WHY DID I NOT KNOW THIS?!

Or did you tell me and I forgot? ¬¬

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

I may have forgotten to tell you. *is ashamed*

[holyschist.livejournal.com]

OMG, I am a paleo/museum grad student and this post is my favorite thing on LJ EVER.

Will you be my friend? *big eyes*

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

Of course I will. Us palaeontologists should stick together!

[holyschist.livejournal.com]

*grin*

I think we're kind of opposite, research-wise--in an ideal world, I'd find other people to identify and classify and I'd do the statistical ecology studies. I'm currently working on plants, but not particularly married to any taxa.

You like molluscs?

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

I like molluscs :) I did my honours thesis on radiolaria, I'm fond of forams . . . screw it, I'm not actually bothered which taxon/taxa I work on as long as I'm working on their taxonomy, but I do like the molluscs quite a lot. QUITE a lot. Of course, vertebrate work is an unreachable dream. Sigh.

[holyschist.livejournal.com]

Of course, vertebrate work is an unreachable dream. Sigh.

I don't see why--there are lots of opportunities to work on verts! I confess I've been a bit put off verts (largely for reasons of People), but I've done some vert ecology stuff (which I really should get back to working on, when I'm not working on my thesis).

Anyway, I thought I was going to work on mammals for a long time--c. age 14 to age 22--but I realized in my first year of grad school that (a) I'm more into methods than taxa and (b) I'm pretty offput by the jerks in vert paleo but less offput by the jerks in paleobotany, and not because the botany jerks are less jerky (they're not), so I must prefer plants to mammals. Ideally, I'd like to keep working on both, since they tell us different things about ecology and all...I just need to make lots of ecology-friendly taxonomist friends to co-author papers with me!

[boz4pm.livejournal.com]

*SQUEES back at ya* Rocks rock. With bells on. :D

I will admit I'm more earth science leaning rather than palaeontology, but it all kind of fits together, after all. My favourite set of DVDs - a comedy show? A film? TV series? NAH! It's the BBC's "Earth Story". I watch it over and over. Just... blissful. It's my favourite bathtime viewing. Yes, yes, it's all moderately basic stuff, but it doesn't dumb down and tells it from a scientist POV. Most interesting is talking to modern bods in the field - the ones who came UP with the theories and are profs now, wandering round the world doing exciting things up mountains like taking steam samples from volcanoes. XD

I actually started doing some courses with the Open University (since I can only study from home, alas) before I fell preggers and was seriously considering taking a degree in it. It would have taken me six years or so with the OU and also my science is BEYOND poor. Serioiusly, my maths is woeful and for some of the third year stuff you really need it. Still I did a one year second year level geology module/course and really, really enjoyed it. We got sent rock samples and a microscope and everything! XD There was me bouncing round the kitchen going 'LOOK! ROCKSES!' and my husband thought I'd flipped my lid. :P

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

yeah my maths is beyond poor but my professors were very sympathetic and some of the TAs are saints, I swear. I had trouble with the geochemistry and geophysics because of it. I majored in both geology and biology so that I'd be able to do pal postgrad; so I know ALL about the joys of pretty rocks, believe me. They are so pretty. So very pretty. Blueschist under polarised light is the most gorgeous thing in this world. Yes. Prettier than David Wenham *gasp*

[boz4pm.livejournal.com]

Yeah, see, to have made up enough points for a full BSc, I would have had to branch out into astronomy third year courses which is ALL maths and physics. My poor little humanities brain wouldn't have been able to cope. But I can still dream, right? ;D

Even though I had to send the microscope back and the samples, they also supplied a CD-rom with photos of every sample (and a whole lot more), and every slide in photo form - you could switch from 'normal' to 'polarised'. Walkthroughs of 'in the field' geological assessments, videos... The OU courses are very well done. Not 'basketweaving' by ANY means.

Prettier than David Wenham *gasp*
Yeah, but not prettier than Sean Bean. :P Such a thing is not humanly possible.

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

My biology made up my points.

Hmm, I might have to say that it was *as* pretty as Sean Bean ... that will give you some idea of HOW pretty.

That course does sound good. But no fieldwork for you? That's sad. At Vic we spend at LEAST a week in the field every year, and in third year you get nearly three weeks of fieldwork. As our classes are small, this means that you get very well acquainted with your classmates and professors; we have keg parties for the geological society and go drinking with our professors, which is fun. My parter and I met on a fieldtrip, and we weren't the only ones. By the end of third year there were three or four couples in our class and two other class members were seeing tutors. It was practically incestuous, but that's how it gets on fieldtrips, with everyone living in each others pockets. We had no water at Te Muna (sedimentology field course) so we had to wash in the river which meant seeing everyone in their underwear, and you need to be pretty comfortable with your classmates to do that!

[hoppytoad79.livejournal.com]

You have my sympathies about your job. Just thinking about having to do that makes my mind twitch and recoil violently. Sounds quite boring and tedious.

I have two Associates degrees in Veterinary Technology and Animal Management, and I was working on a BS in Zoology and a BA in History (dual major. yes, I'm totally crazy) before I ran out of money and had to drop out. xp I will return someday! I want to be a zookeeper, which is far easier said than one. >X^P

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

Zookeeper would indeed be a fantastic job. My job is actually wonderful, but then I am a taxonomy geek. I spend most of my day hunched over a bench sorting molluscs into species groups. Much more fun than it sounds, if you like squinting at micromollucs and pondering whether a slight difference in shell sculpture means that one shell is a different species to the next one. Also back pain, but meh! Science before comfort! I hope you can get back to university soon; I couldn't leave! I'll have to in three years time unless they hire me as a professor, which is unlikely. Sigh. But then I'll be Dr. Trojie, mwahahahahaha

[hoppytoad79.livejournal.com]

If you enjoy your job, fabulous. I'd go spare doing what you do (detail work does that), but to each their own pleasures. The world would be very boring if we were all the same and we need taxonomy geeks such as yourself just as much as we need zookeepers. My dream job is to be working in amphibian conservation.

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

that would be truly cool. we have some very neat frogs in NZ; leiopelmids. they are one of the oldest groups of frogs in the world, and they're very rare.

[hoppytoad79.livejournal.com]

Cooooooooool! *VBG*

I visited the north island in '94 with People to People International, an organzation in the States that exists to expose American teens to the rest of the world, and loved it. Having since become a HUGE fan of Lord of the Rings, my desire to return and see the whole of NZ is even stronger.

I forget where we were, but we visited an old gold mine when we were in NZ and there were these cave crickets with HUGE long legs that freaked everyone right out. The guide said they weren't dangerous so, to the amazement of everyone else, I went up to one and looked and wasn't afraid to touch one of its legs. I took a few pics and when I showed them to people back home, they were all like "OMG! Huge bug! Dangerous, no?" *rolls eyes* Wussies. *G*

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

they would have been cave weta. no, they are really completely harmless. Generally the bigger a weta gets, the lesser the probability that it can bite you, until you get to giant weta that will fill the palm of your hand and move at the speed of continental drift and never bite anyone. But some of the smaller ones like tree weta can bite, and believe me it does hurt! Dunno which mine it would have been; the country's full of abandoned mines which are in turn full of cave weta. When you do come back to NZ give me a bell. I'm busy trying to organise some kind of NZ PPC gathering but I think there's only me and one other Agent in Wellington so it's . . .interesting. I live with a guy who was an extra in LOTR: ROTK and his mother's horse was the horse that Legolas rode into the paths of the dead; his name is Grey Raider and he is a total sweetie; we go out and ride him sometimes.